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Wednesday humor...ouch

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This is kind of long but sooooo funny! rolf


Some things are best left to the professionals !!!!


Hair Removal....


All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of

easy, painless removal -


The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.


Read on......


My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,

play with the kids.


I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the

next few hours:


"Maybe should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."


So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of

those "cold wax" kits.


No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your

hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg

(or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.


No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?


I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to

figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)


So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other

stuck together.


Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the

hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I

lay the strip across my thigh.


Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!


OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!


Hair removal no longer eludes me!


I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth

skin extraordinaire.


With my next wax strip I move north.


After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the

ultimate hair fighting championship.


I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.


Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of

my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down

to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)


I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!


I'm blind!!!


Blinded from pain!!!!....


OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!


Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the

strip. CRAP!


Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.


I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.


Do I hear crashing drums???


Breathe, breathe...........


OK, back to normal.


I want to see my trophy -


A wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my

hairy pelt sticking to it.


I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.


I hold up the strip!


There's no hair on it.


Where is the hair???




Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.


I see the hair.

The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!


I touch.


I am touching wax.


I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now

covered in cold wax and matted hair.


Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped

upon the toilet?


I know I need to do something.


So I put my foot down.


Sealed shut!


My butt is sealed shut.


Sealed shut!


I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and

think to myself


"Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"


What can I do to melt the wax?


Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!


I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,

immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should

melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???




I get in the tub -


The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of

war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.


Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued



is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the

tub...in scalding hot water.


Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.


So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented

myself to the porcelain!!


God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a

phone put in the bathroom!!!!!


I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some

secret of how to get me undone.


It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and hoo-ha are

glued together to the bottom of the tub!"


There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for

removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.


She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking

cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?"


She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.


I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side

of the box.


YEAH!!!!! Right!!


I should be the joke of someone else's night.


While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape

the wax off with a razor.


Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot

wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then

dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!


By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm

pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this



My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving

grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.


What do I really have to lose at this point?


I rub some on and OH MY STARS!!!!!!!


The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my



It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.




It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she

hangs up.


I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my

grief and despair....




So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.


I could have amputated my own leg at this point.


Next week I'm going to try hair color......




Jenny McKinney



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Absolutely hilarious - I'm sorry. Kinda reminds me of the time that I tried wax, but I started at the bottom of my body. It was the heat-up kind of wax. I didn't have the recommended candy thermometer at the time, so I used the "if it starts to steam, it must be good" method of temperature checking. After the wax started to steam, I grabbed the popsicle stick and started slathering it on my shins. I think I actually screamed out loud because of the burn. But, I continued, I knew that I wouldn't need to shave or wax again for at least a year because I was getting a good wax, roots and all!


Well, after applying the cloth strip to remove the super-heated wax, I pulled and off came the hair and my skin! I have scars to this day and this happened many years ago, back in my "young & dumb" teens.

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