Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Guest Jennifer Rai

I Couldn't Stop Laughing...

Recommended Posts

Guest Jennifer Rai

Okay, this is long....but really good.

 

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,

painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

 

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I

should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

 

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this o ut. (YA THINK!?!)

 

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)

 

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It Works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

 

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my buttcheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

 

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!

 

Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

 

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

 

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

 

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. "hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut!

 

Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to

myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!

 

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

 

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

 

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

 

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

 

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

 

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

 

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

 

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

 

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut , stuck to the tub in super hot water and then

dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

 

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

 

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

 

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!"

 

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

 

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

 

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

 

 

 

Edited by Jennifer Rai

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jennifer,

 

I laughed until I cried. I can see me trying something like that, but thanks to you I know I don't want to be a woman super hero, She-Rah! I am glad you shared, all the details made it a great story.

 

I can't wait for next week's chapter on the hair color adventure. Any highlights to keep us interested? color, brand??? Just kidding. I think hair color is much easier to put on and get off than wax (cold or hot!)! :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

Jennifer, this is the funniest thing I have read in a long time -- I'm telling you, Nair is your best friend -- it may not be as effective as the commercials would have you believe, and sure, it stinks to high heaven, but the end result is no chafing, no rasor burn, and definitely no sticking together!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

I'm reading the beginning of this and thinking :blush: 'too much information' but I had to keep reading because I wanted to know what happened. Wasn't long before the laughter started. You don't know what a blessing you've been to me in your pain Jennifer because I've had a day where I need some cheering up - and this has helped tremendously. rolf

Edited by kathiemt

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jennifer,

 

When I first heard this joke, I rolled on the floor laughing and crying. All I could think of was my sister doing something like this. She's wonderful, but a little ditzy sometimes. I can just imagine what that poor lady was feeling.

 

I forgot all about this until you posted it. Thanks for the laugh again!

 


Patty Dost

Time Is Of The Es-Cents . . . Saving Your Business Time and Money ~~~ Virtually

 

Interested in Subcontracting with Virtual Assistants? Here's the ebook that will assist you.....The VAs VA

 

QUESTION :: What do VAs do when they've got big plans but don't know where to start?

ANSWER :: They download the VAnetworking Kick Start Package!

It's FREE :: It's FUN :: And you'll get something DONE :: Download yours now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Too much!!! This is the funniest thing I've read in a long time.... I laughed so hard the tears in my eyes were distorting the words. rolf

 

Thanks for a great ending to a long day!!!

 

:)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I emailed this to my 15 yr old daughter after I read it. (She hates shaving and has tried everything - hot wax, cold wax, Veet...you name it). A few minutes later she came walking slowly into my office, looking at me sideways with a subtle grin on her face, leaned up against the extension on my desk and just started shaking her head. Well, that got me laughing all over again!!!

 

I'm sure I'll be hearing from all my girlfriends that I sent it to as well!!!

 

:)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

rolf

 

I actually needed a good laugh today and to be honest, not many "jokes" make me laugh out loud. That story made me laugh out loud 'til my eyes watered.

 

Sigh. Soooo been there done that.

 

Who wrote this??

 

FWIW, sugaring is better ;) Or go to the salon. But waxing really is the only way to go once you, um, get the hang of it. LOL.

 

Karri

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest

Okay, I'm late to this, but can't keep silent. I roared, cried, laughed, slung snot...my throat hurts from out right cackling. Every time I thought I'd regained control...I lost it again. I'm really sorry for her, but darn! I needed that laugh ;-)

 

rolfrolfrolfrolfrolfrolf

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

  • Want to Become a VA?
    Invest in The VAC!
    How Do YOU Startup A

    Virtual Assistant Organization Association
    Upgrade Your FREE Account & Receive Today...
    * Access to Our Bus JOB Board *
    * Group Coaching & Training*
    *Training Tracks*
    * Private Mastermind Area *
    * Business Templates *
    * Contracts & Forms*
    * Plus VAinsider Perks! *
    UPGRADE HERE


    Virtual Assistant Organization Association

    Virtual Assistant Organization Association











×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.